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Monday, February 16, 2009

My Loss and Powerlessness

Two weeks ago last Friday Joe and I were supposed to teach a parenting seminar in La Paz, the capital city of Bolivia. He had called in advance and told them that it would just be him coming since my parents had surprised me with a visit. As we were leaving for the airport I began to have some bleeding. Joe asked if I wanted him to stay home and be with me. I encouraged him to go on and said that it might be nothing and I could call him if I needed him. We dropped him off and I came home and went to bed. Early Saturday morning I lost our sweet baby. I called Joe and he got on the next plane home.

We named the baby Jordan for a couple of reasons. It was too early to know if it was a girl or a boy and we liked the name Jordan for either one. Also, Jordan has come to signify something we must pass through in this life in order to go one to the next...the Promised Land. Our Jordan passed through this life way too soon for us. Although we will hold him forever in our hearts, our arms long to hold him as well. On the following Wednesday we had a memorial service. I am healing physically but I know it will take a bit longer to heal emotionally. We are still grieving this great loss. We wanted this baby so much and are so sorry to not be able to hold and love on her. I am still in process of releasing this sweet little one knowing I won´t get to be with her in this life, but am still eternally grateful to be her mommy. I don´t pretend to know how things work in the life after this one, in fact I don´t even have a real grasp of how things work here, but somehow it comforts me to think about my sweet baby being held by those I love who have gone on to be with Jesus. For instance I have three dear friends: Nancy, Mary Ellen and Bev who were wonderful moms and believed children to be a gift of God like I do. They all were taken from their families sooner than any of us wanted. On the day of Jordan´s memorial service I pictured her being held and cared for by these lovely gals and was comforted by that thought. I also have pictured her with my grandmother who loved to rock babies and with Joe´s mom too.

As I said we are all still working through the grieving process, but have been comforted by many of your kind words, thoughts, prayers, and Scripture you have shared with us. You might think that since we have so many children it might not be as big of a loss to us, but I think that because we have so many children and we realize what a gift and a blessing they really are it makes it even harder. This baby was wanted and loved and now is missed by a whole passle of people. We were all so excited to have this little one join our family. Several of the kiddos even cried tears of joy when I told them was going to have another baby. Now a few short weeks later, we are all sharing tears of loss.

Anyone who has ever experienced a great loss knows how powerless you can feel. It doesn´t matter how much you want something, that desire has no power to change the situation. No matter how badly I want my baby back I have no power to change the fact that she is gone. That started me thinking about the power of God. He indeed is awesome because not only does He have desires for us, but He has the power to see that those desires are accomplished. I am so powerless, but He is All-powerful. Amazing. What He desires, He accomplishes. He is not limited like we are. He will complete the work He started in us. Jesus said all power was given to Him in heaven and in earth. He said He has the power to forgive sins. He had the power not only to lay down His life, but to take it up again. Paul said the gospel was the power of God for salvation and that there is no power except that which comes from God. We are saved and kept by His power not our own. The Bible also tells us that in the last days there will be people who will act godly, but will deny the real power that could make them truly godly. I don´t want to be one of those people. I want, I need the power of God in my life. I need the only One from whom all power comes. As I feel so powerless and so helpless, I am comforted to know that I am being held by the all-powerful One.

I can´t wait until we all bow before God´s throne and say with those from every tribe, language, people and nation "Blessing and honor and glory and POWER belong to the One sitting on the throne and to the Lamb forever and ever."

May God prove Himself powerful in your life today.






















6 comments:

laura said...

Dear sweet sister and friend... you continue to be in our prayers! Thank you for sharing your heart and for always clinging so tightly to the One who has all power to heal you both inside and out... your trust and your faith inspire me more than you can know! Love you so!

Christy said...

We will continue to pray for you and your family. We love you!

Sun said...

I am so very sorry and am praying for you! Sunshine

kibbe said...

You and your family are such inspirations through all you do . The Lord shines through you all. Thanks for always shining your little lights and not hiding them...

The Holmans In Bolivia said...

Laura, what can I say but I love you. Thanks for being there for me so much this past year. You are a dear friend.

Christy, thank you so much for your prayers. I love you and your family too. I miss old and caring friends like you especially at times like this...not that you´re old ;^)

Sun, thank you for your kind words and your prayers.

Kate, thanks for your support and always having encouraging words for me. You uplift me. Hope to see you in July.

mccullen said...

just started reading your blog and wanted to take a moment to say that i'm sorry for your loss.
sounds like you've got a wonderful family to help get through just about anything, though!